The title decoded, Brighton Half Marathon 13 miles - it is over for me before it has even started.
I am now in my 6th week of this stupid knee injury and it will not budge. I have been backwards and forwards to the physio, spending a small fortune to try and fix the problem, as well as the rigorous strengthening and stretching routine which I have religiously completed at least three times a day. I've been back to the osteopath who manipulated my sacroiliac joint into position and stuck his elbow into a tight piriformis muscle but nothing has solved the problem.
The pain has changed from a niggly sharpness only when I'm running to a constant dull ache, with the sharpness stabbing into the outside of my knee on each step I take. Coming downstairs is becoming more and more problematic, and requires a great deal of concentration. Or just bumping down on my bottom (remember the days when that was great fun?!).
Both the physio and osteopath noticed that my patella was tracking, and I was so disappointed when I was told that I had poor muscle tone in my thigh; unbelievable to my eyes which has seen the change in my leg from a withered old twig at its worst with the SPD to having clear muscle definition and strength!
The past two weeks have been a roller coaster of indecision, moodiness and frustration. The physio was initially hopeful that the treatment was going to work in time for me to be on the start line this Sunday. I saw him yesterday and he could see a marked improvement from the exercises I've been doing. My knee is painless on passive movement. So, he strapped my knee and IT band up and today I was allowed a light run. I knew before I'd even got to the bottom of my road that my knee wasn't going to carry me for 13.1 miles. I wanted to give it a chance to warm up and get moving again, so with tears flowing I kept going for a couple of miles, my heart sinking further with each painful step. I kept hoping that it was just the dreaded 'I can't do this' monster squeaking at me, and trying to decide if I could cope with the pain for a couple of hours but I knew deep down that I had to stop. I rang the physio and told him the run wasn't pain free, and he confirmed my fears. Do not run on Sunday. He wasn't the first person who knows sport to tell me not to run, and I know I have to listen.
I'm not sure I can even put into words how I feel. Selfishly, I want to hide away under a duvet for the next few days so that I don't hear what a great day everyone had in Brighton, how proud they are of themselves etc etc. It magnifies my feelings of failure, of defeat, the demons jumping up and down laughing at me saying I Told You So!! I can't be childish though, and I will be proud of all of my friends running on Sunday. Proud but jealous.
The reality is also dawning that I have to defer my marathon place, too. I've always maintained that I will be sensible in my approach to the marathon and not underestimate its enormity. It is a mere 7 weeks away and it is very, very unlikely that I will be fit enough or up to the required mileage in that short time, especially considering I am not even able to run 2 piddly little miles to date.
I am discovering that I have a reckless side, as well as a competitive side. The decision is made that I can not and will not run on Sunday. It is senseless to run on an injury, even without four children to look after it would be a huge risk to try. Yet there is a part of me which would quite like to sneak out of the house early on Sunday morning and run it anyway...
The next few weeks are going to be trying. E is having grommets fitted in the first week of March, which brings a whole set of worries new to me. None of the girls have ever had a general anaesthetic, and handing my little girl's entire existence to a doctor is going to be hard. I don't have a huge amount of trust in our local hospital; they have made far too many mistakes with her care already and I am terrified that they are going to stuff up again this time. Once the grommets are in and E no longer has glue ear, she should be able to hear much better. She already struggles with loud noises, and the grommets will make everything louder, so I am expecting a very sensitive little girl for a few days.
All being well with the grommets, the rescheduled APD assessment at Great Ormond Street is booked for early April. Two days before Brighton Marathon to be exact. It is a lot to get my head around. Bearing in mind I over-think and worry about, well everything possible if I'm honest, shove in a knee injury on top of that and it is just recipe for disaster.
Despite all of this, I have been encouraged and comforted by so many people. Amazingly the fundraising is going well, and I have almost reached £600 which is phenomenal. I have no intention of giving up on the 1000 mile challenge. I WILL complete 1000 Miles. I'm not sure if that will be as I cross the finish line of Great South Run, by the end of 2015 or even further down the line. But I will do it. I'm not lucky enough to have a body that will just run with no repercussions, so while I am off my feet I will be working hard at strengthening the weak bits, stretching out the tight bits and obsessing about not running. I will miss the freedom of running, the time to clear my mind of the stresses and strains of the day. I will come back to it, stronger than this time and having gained a lot of experience along the way.
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